ARIETEM

It was a dirty little place with loud upbeat music and lights flashing in every possible color; for me it was spinning crazily like the rate of my heart beat that pumped around the adrenaline and dopamine. I loved it. The fact you could disappear into the crowd; It was packed with people starting off their Friday night here it seemed. Bodies were dancing closely at the dance floor, most tables were occupied by groups of younger New Yorkers in their twenties, the girls’ dresses crawled far up their thighs as the room kept spinning for me. I wasn’t sure what time it was but I guess a little past 11; I didn’t even care to think nor worry about whether my father and Serena had figured out I wasn’t in my room ‘sleeping because I had felt sick’.

 

None of it mattered and I was beyond grateful that for this one night the pressure and pain would be forgotten.

 

They were a very varied group; like Jenny completely unlike the people I were usually surrounded by. I couldn’t quite keep track of the names and who was part of the friend group or not - but it didn’t matter who knew who and how. All that mattered was the laughter drowning in the loud music, the dares, the present and the feeling of being alive. They didn’t treat me differently even though I was the only one in a white dress shirt - I had no idea where my blazer was - while they mostly wore dark colors, a few piercings, and troublesome adventures glittering in their eyes. I was seated next to a guy who was simply just wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and only had one single piercing in one side of his bottom lip. Even though it would have seemed we had absolutely nothing in common; the buzzing warm feeling and the way the room was spinning made my mouth work magic as we found topic after topic to talk about. Others joined in; a girl I had never seen before took a seat on my lap because there were no more chairs free. Strangers offered shots, drinking games, room spinning, and people shifting.

Occasionally I saw Jenny who most often was quite entangled with some guy.

 

“So are you getting your mind of things, Haz? Can I call you that?” Jenny yelled loudly before she let herself fall into the free spot on the sofa beside me totally unaware of the fact that I had been speaking with someone; but none of us really cared. It seemed ones attention was just as flighty as trying to keep up with the amount of shots I had been taking.

 

Her makeup was smeared, but her eyes still glittered without being able to totally focus. Her hair had been pulled up into a bun, where several loose strands of hair hung loosely from dancing probably. A lazy drunk smile was resting on her lip which were red from kissing that guy I assumed. Her words were accompanied with laughter and I smiled widely back at her as the sensation of blissful oblivion pumped through my body. I was fairly sure I looked equally wasted.

 

“Of course and thank you for -”

 

Jenny waved me off, “fine, fine. Come on sexy curls. I have someone you should be fucking... meeting,” she smirked at me and kept pulling my arm to get me up, though she could barely keep her own balance.

 

If I had been sober her words would probably have been messy and confusing, but our state of awareness was the same; both heavily influenced. She dramatically managed to drag me up from the couch and the place only started spinning even more; flickering lights, the air filled with sticky smell of sweat, alcohol, and smoke.

 

The next moment I was giving her a piggyback ride, as she pointed towards the bar, and our laughter mixed into the air.

 

I couldn’t remember the girl’s name, but she had to be the single most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I could barely concentrate on Jenny introducing her as I was totally in awe over how stunning this girl with her dark olive toned skin was. The room seemed to fade around us, as a playful smile formed on the stranger’s lips as I had told her my name and that she was beautiful; the alcohol had broken down every wall clearly. Jenny seemed over the clouds as she laughed loudly before leaning in over the bar desk almost falling over while she ordered some shots for us.

 

Her brown eyes rested confidently on me as a sweet smile formed on her full lips, she was just about to ask me something but Jenny interrupted with a drunken yell going ‘YES PLEASE’ before handing us each a shot glass of something toxic looking blue.

 

“Later turtles,” Jenny groaned after having emptied her shot; clearly making a face because of the liquor - whatever it was - being so strong.

 

And there I was; left behind with the full attention of some warm skinned princess who seemed both adorable with her high cheek bones yet craving for reckless adventure with the way she bit her bottom lip.

 

I had no idea what time it was. The enthralling dark night of Manhattan’s most toxic pleasures that made chemicals of adventure blend in your bloodstream had completely dragged me in; caught me like a wild predator and not intending to let go of me for the night. With enchanting brown eyes watching my face while the colorful lights flickered like soundless lightning to the beat of the music; I had never felt more alive.

 

“Cheers for the night?” The girl asked as she raised the shot glass Jenny had handed her. The smile on her lips was playful and daring; even though her makeup was slightly smeared I still found her completely enchanting; the sparkling eyes filled with mysteries.

 

“Because that’s the only time of day you get to see real beauty,” I continued and felt my heart racing as the girl smiled widely over my words - obviously noticing the comparison between stars and herself, I’d politely tried to make by motioning to her.

 

She lifted the shot glass to her mouth, not letting go of my eyes as the sparkling bright blue content reflected the lights from the club, “do you wanna see just how beautiful the night is?” Her voice was daring and my head was spinning with excitement.

 

The words left my lips before sensibility could get a say in my intoxicated state of mind, “how could I decline?”

 

The fact that her smile grew into a full scale beam that could easily battle the light of a star had my heart beating out of my chest, as she lifted her other hand and dropped something in the already toxic looking liquid of my shot glass. I watched her as she did the same to her own only just realizing it was a pill before suddenly she leaned in crossing the narrow space between our bodies, which she had slowly enclosed while we had stayed here, and pressed her cherry lips against mine. The taste was one of alcohol, smoke, and something vanilla sweet.

 

She leaned away just as quickly and emptied her glass in one drag; her brown craving eyes that seemed like long lost gem stones in the night watched me while laughter left her chest as I copied her movement still high on the taste of her heated lips. I couldn’t help laughing too over the impulsive craziness of the situation.

 

She took my hand with the playful dizzy smile on her lips and pulled me with her to the dancefloor. It felt like the ways of the waves; as natural as breathing in and out; going with her and having the beat of the music absorb you completely till you had no sensibility or realization that this was actually happening. It was like a dream; we could be in the middle of kings and queens or lost in the stars for all I knew.

 

She danced close up to me leading me slightly as I had never in my life tried anything like this before; whatever she had put in the toxic blue content of my shot eased away any concerns I had though. It felt like everyone else just faded away leaving me with this girl and the music; her mesmerizing moves and how her eyes travelled hungrily over me making me dizzy with passion and craving. Her hair was long, dark, and slightly curly; her full lips flashed the breathtaking smile at me. Only me. We were standing so close; I could feel the sweat down my spine and how my hair was sticky from the heat, see how the flashy lights reflected in the sweaty skin over her collarbones. Breathing, moving bodies were all around us, helping the night with pushing us closer together. Her eyes flickered to my lips and I couldn’t help myself any longer as I cupped her heated face and kissed this enchanting dark creature of euphoria with all the darkness of the night; letting go.

 

It all streamed through me; every emotion, every thought, every hectic breath as the taste of her lips occupied my senses. The feeling of her soft skin under my seeking fingertips, the light material of her short black dress. She was some sort of angel of the night that drove me crazy and closer to the edge than I had ever been. Time was non-existent.

 

“Beautiful isn’t it?” She whispered in my ear with a voice that made my heart tremble. The sound of my heartbeat echoed in my ears while she tangled her hands into my hair and deepened the kiss.

 

Memories flickered through my mind; hiding under the office desk with my mum’s journal afraid to be found by my father, the sight of my father carefully hanging the diamond necklace around Serena’s neck, snowflakes drifting barely noticed through the cold December air making teardrops freeze on my cheeks, music notes covering the pages, a mess of people and life with us in the middle of it all; frozen in time as the feeling was pumping through my veins. Everything finally falling into place with her arms around me and body pressed to mine. We were just part of the flow; we were simply atoms.

 

We had watched the sunrise on a rooftop. Drifted in between dreams and reality. Forgetting and remembering. Jenny was fast asleep up against the chest of the boy she had kissed most of the night; he was snoring softly in the cold autumn wind. With half closed eyes and my arms around the girl; I followed the birth of the sun that chased away the night. Eventually I drifted off into sleep with the hot sunbeams gently kissing my face and her head still on my chest.

 

We had fooled around in the hunt for breakfast; she had kept holding my hand. The touch of her skin was the only area of my body which felt comfortably warm. I still hadn’t found my blazer and Jenny’s purple lips were back to their normal pink color as she held onto the guy’s hand with lazy morning smiles and dark circles under her eyes; her red hair a complete mess.

 

I think we were a group of seven; I hung over a cup of coffee in the diner they had decided on. As my body slowly detoxified the burden and heavy weight of my reality came back; more forcefully than ever. Her soft kisses couldn’t wash away the worries any longer.

 

“I better get back,” I sled out of the worn pastel green diner couch; looking one last time around at all of them; the lost boys and girls of the night. I still couldn’t quite remember most of their names but their laughter and the raspy voices I was sure I would never forget; the view of the young strangers with the pleased experience of being alive and feeling that way too. The way they sipped at their coffees while talking over the night and the very deepest of conversation topics. I couldn’t help but smile softly as a girl with blue hair stated, “let’s do it again sometime, Harry!”

 

“You still owe me a beer -” one of the guys stated better knowingly, “so you better come back!”

 

They laughed softly; a few got up to give me an out of balance hug. Jenny caught my eyes and gave me a knowing smile, “you have my number kiddo. Don’t be a stranger, yeah?”

 

I nodded as a chuckle escaped my lips; the tiredness was overwhelming. My eyes drifted to Zoe which I had finally learnt her name was; the angel of the night. My angel. I wasn’t sure what to say as I watched her pick at her bagel; she still hadn’t said anything nor looked my way. The sound of cars passing by outside blended with the nice sound of the rumbling coffee machine and the chef telling an order was ready.

 

It felt surreal; as if last night had only been a dream that I was slowly waking up from. Surprisingly it hurt; stung uncomfortably that Zoe wouldn’t look at me - even just for this one last time. But maybe that was exactly the premise of letting everything go with someone like her; it was only for one night you got to see the true wicked beauty of life’s darkest side.

 

I turned to leave; making my way through the diner and out into the street. I still couldn’t quite imagine returning to my real life; confronting my father. Worrying over whether he had noticed my absence; going to the big event today and functioning as his good-son and family promoter.

 

“Harry!” Her voice was thick and raspy from the alcohol, talking all night and falling asleep outside in my arms, but her voice still reached me before I made the corner around the building. I stopped to see her come rushing in between the New Yorkers who had had an early start. Unlike them Zoe was still clearly marked by the night; her hair was dark brown I noticed now and her eyes were a dark hazel color. Furthermore I hadn’t noticed till now, that under the makeup she had hidden away a few freckles over the bridge of her nose and the fact that her dress was dark purple instead of black. The morning light reflected in the elegant silver ring that was pierced in her nose; I couldn’t help but have my mind silently screaming out how perfectly it suited her though I knew my father would hate to see me with a girl like this. But I didn’t care; she looked so beautiful with her dark olive toned skin and the wild hair. There was something remarkably beautiful over all her imperfections.

 

She smiled softly up at me with a somewhat sad expression in her eyes, “are you going to be okay?”

 

Her words completely surprised me but still an amused smile formed on my lips, “yeah - I know how to handle myself.”

 

“I really like you, Harry. You’re a good person,” she tiptoed and gently pressed her lips against mine one last time. Even though we had done so half of the night; this still seemed strange but right. I barely knew anything about this girl and still she managed to make my heartbeat race with her soft lips and warm body. New Yorkers who were passing us looked away as the sight of the two young people was so personal. I could feel her open my hand and place something.

 

“Thank you for tonight. It’s a getaway,” she whispered to the curve of my neck; my breath hitched as the warm air from her heated lips touched my exposed skin right above the white collar of my dress shirt. The next second she turned around and walked away without looking back. I followed her figure as she made her way back to the diner; disappearing in the crowd of people leaving me behind lightheaded with only a single little bright blue pill in the palm of my hand and the taste of her lips as only evidence that she had been real. That any of it had been real.

 

I wasn’t sure how I found my way home, but I did somehow. The hot water from the shower head washed away the traces of smoke and alcohol, sweat and Zoe’s lipstick stains on my neck. I took a seat near the open window with the tiredness washing in over me, while Manhattan was waking up. The white towel strapped around my waist I opened my journal and started scribbling; there had been a melody forming in my head the entire walk home as the orange morning sky had turned bright blue and the autumn leaves had crunched with each step I had taken. The cold wind touched the naked skin on my upper torso and made chills run down my spine as my still wet hair felt endlessly colder. But not even the pounding headache could keep me from writing.

 

The little blue pill lay lonesomely on the bedside table briefly catching my attention a few times.

 

‘Atoms’ I had scribbled on the top of the page; as I finally put the journal aside and slipped into bed two pages were covered with something like afterglowing lyrics and a few music notes on the side from the events of the surreal night.

 

Luckily Serena stayed away from my room throughout the morning and considering the last text message I had received last night from Caity read; ‘they are totally buying it. have fun. x - C.’ I guessed I was in the clear. However spending the most of the day in bed drifting in and out of sleep dreaming about the freedom to do whatever and have no responsibilities mixed up with the growing headache and awful hangover I was having. At three o’clock I got a text from Jenny whom I noticed only now had named her contact on my phone ‘J. cool enough to quote’. She casually just wanted to know for how long my stay at the Four Seasons would be since she had some working hours on Monday.

 

An hour later a knock sounded on my door; pulling me out of my sleep. I could hear it was Caity asking me if I was okay, but I merely pulled the large white duvet over my head and drowned out the words coming from her. I didn’t want to return yet; I didn’t want to be the son of the senator after this night.

 

Two hours before the gala dinner event was supposed to start with the introductory speeches and welcome drinks of bubbly expensive Champagne; I was still laying in my hotel bed on my side pretending that the salty dried tears were not mine. I had curled my body up under the duvet with my face half hidden; my hair was a total mess and my eyes felt puffy. I felt so empty; like someone had trapped my heart and kept it locked in a place I couldn’t get to.

 

For some reason it was this seemingly tiny and trivial issue that neither Serena nor my father had checked up on me that had tricked it; it didn’t make sense I knew that because if someone had asked me whether I wanted them to come see how I was doing my immediate answer would be no. But feelings were quite irrational and to feel unloved by the only ones I could call family was tearing my heart apart. I was angry with myself that I felt like this; I thought I had learnt myself never to expect anything from my father but this witness of there still being some naive stupid hope in me was devastating. A hope that one day he would maybe come check on his son who ‘wasn’t feeling well’ maybe even just come and tell me everything would be okay; but no one came.

 

The devastating feeling and the impulsive events of last night had my mind flowing uncontrollably. I wasn’t able to keep everything in order and stay grounded; instead all the memories started surfacing one after one building up the pressure that I had been fighting so long.

 

I angrily wiped my eyes which felt itchy after all the salty drops that I still denied to have fallen. Red marks were on my cheek after having laid still on the pillow for hours; my hair was humid yet the smell of shampoo had still not quite gotten rid of the sense of smoke from the club. With slow, heavy moves I got up from the bed a sob escaping my throat, though I fought determined to keep every feeling heavily concealed behind the wall which had crumbled to pieces. I tried to drift into the zombie like state that usually helped me if I felt like losing my grip or fucking mind; a state where I would just feel numb - never too happy never too sad or annoyed.

 

The sound of traffic coming from the streets of Manhattan echoed in through my open window as I tried keeping back the sobs while loafing into the grande bathroom with my duvet around me. My eyes were a little red in the reflection and I absolutely hated the sight; angrily I tried splashing water in my face and clean up so my father wouldn’t see me like this.

 

My hands were trembling from fighting the urge to tear the room apart; when I had finally gotten dressed there was still an hour till the event started. No one had come to check up on me yet. My mind was driving me absolutely crazy; flashing lights showing a pair of beautiful brown hazel eyes turned into a yell of an order to stop crying and grow up. The graffiti tags on the black toilet doors and heated drunk kisses were followed by the constant repeat of ‘sit straight and answer politely, Harry!’. To learn, learn, learn and focus. Stay focused. No games, no movies, no friends. Nothing. Just hours in the same chair by the same desk learning Latin or French inflections by heart till my mouth felt dry as paper. Lire off every political aspect I had been able to find of Plato’s The Republic or Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. Learning, learning, learning.

I wanted to scream at the top of my head in order to break free from this crazy obsession my father had with making me a copy of himself; sending me off to Harvard to follow his lead. It was like he did everything in his power to wipe away my sense of individuality and the small corner of personality I had managed to built up.

 

‘A getaway,’ Zoe’s raspy morning voice sounded in my mind as I frantically looked over the room for some kind of release to this pressure of insanity. I froze in the middle of my move and stared at the little baby blue pill that lay innocently on the bed table; my mind weighted out the options and risks. Struggled to find the right arguments against, when it seemed so easy to escape the absolute hell my head was right now.

 

Holding my breath I crossed the room in a few steps and grabbed the water bottle on my way. With my eyes narrowed on the little item I unscrew the lid; my heart was racing while the million thoughts rushed through me. Before I could decide against it I picked up the little bright blue getaway and swallowed it with the water. I found my reflection in the mirror in the entrance of my room; the newly ironed black blazer, painfully white dress shirt and the de rigueur butterfly tie, the black and white colors of the outfit stood in contrast with my green eyes and cheeks splashed with hectic red. I turned on the television waiting for the getaway to start but I hardly paid attention as the news reporter stated that the stocks of Rosenkrantz Jewelry Inc. had risen to sky heights. I was only briefly aware that the name seemed so familiar; everything was starting to turn around me. A flow of mind that made me not think twice about anything made me storm out the door and with heavy determined steps through the swimming hallways with the thick classy red carpet I made my way.

 

It was suddenly quite simple; get rid of the boundaries and the prison bars. Cut the strings.

 

I pressed the elevator button a few hundred times while the wild sensation of victory and being invincible rushed through me. The anger turned into crazy determination; my childhood memories flashed through me and felt so real it only empowered the already ignited hell fire; he was going to pay. I was going to ruin his perfect facade and image and make everyone see the real face of the monster he really was.

 

I barely knew what I was doing; the grande hall of the hotel which I for sure knew would host the dinner tonight was shiny perfect and all the tables were already set. The tall slender crystal glasses softly reflected the light from the chandeliers, the flower decorations were nothing but absolutely flawless - every petal would have viewers in awe. Silver cutlery and three different dining forks and knives; everything so impeccable and deceptive.

 

Slowly I followed one of the shining glasses up the stem; observing with disgust and fascination how the rainbow colors showed faintly as the light hit it just right. It was so easily destroyed this beauty. I could almost hear my father threaten me not to go forth with what I was craving to do; ruin it; make the real chaos show. I had absolutely no control over my erratic thoughts and behavior; I had no idea what the drug that Zoe had given me actually did to my mind. But I was an absolutely furious emotional mess and I hated everything I saw so burningly new tears pressed their ways into my eyes.  

 

I pushed the stem of the crystal glass so it almost fell over. From the corner of my eye I sensed a waiter walking out of the grande room leaving me behind.

 

“Don’t do it Harry,” the stern voice sounded in my head. His voice, “I told you to do one thing. Only one thing. I told you to behave; I told you to behave yourself you stupid, ignorant boy!”

 

“SHUT UP!” The heartbreaking yell came from my mouth as I finally smashed the glass. The fine thin crystal immediately cracked to pieces as it hit the floor, but I was already pushing over the silver cutlery and stupid porcelain plates, “SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Stay out of my life you monster!”

 

The roar echoed through the hall and my ears started ringing as the never ending sound of the fine China plates, crystal glasses, flower petals were tossed through the room and making a terrible clatter that for the shortest seconds felt absolutely heavenly. I kept shouting and screaming my lungs out, as the tears kept streaming down my face and the glasses cracked. I didn’t notice the deep cuts on my hands or the pain it caused me; I just kept going, kept going, kept going till a pair of arms embraced me from behind with such force I could barely breathe. It was Liam, which only made everything even worse. I kicked and swore as if it was my only way of fucking surviving; I needed them to understand what he had done to me. What he had done. How I had been treated. It wasn’t right! It couldn’t possibly be! To live in a home with no shade of humanity?

 

I didn’t hear Liam’s reassuring words or how he called for more help over his speaker as I wouldn’t relax. The last thing I saw was my father who suddenly came bursting in with wild burning fury in his green gaze.

 

“Silence him,” was his only words as his eyes met mine and the disappointed was so evident I would never forget the sight of it again, “NOW!” The next second everything went black.